I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who was obsessed with those “who are you most like” tests in high school. I distinctly remember filling one out while at Andover that would tell you which boarding school you were meant to attend (I got Groton) as well as which cast member of a variety of different television shows you most resembled. There was a site that hosted a multitude of them, the name of which I now forget, though I’m sure it still exists in some form.
I’ve become obsessed with a new test, though this one isn’t telling me which character I am from Game of Thrones or Mad Men. My newest obsession is the Myers-Briggs test that I’ve been forcing all my friends to take and then share their personality type with me. I’m sure no one close to me is surprised to learn that I’m an ISTJ.
“The ISTJ is extremely dependable on following through with things which he or she has promised. For this reason, they sometimes get more and more work piled on them.” I almost laughed when I read this part. I’m becoming nearly famous in my office for having people ask me to do things, shooting eye daggers at them… and then doing it anyway.
“ISTJs will work for long periods of time and put tremendous amounts of energy into doing any task which they see as important to fulfilling a goal. However, they will resist putting energy into things which don’t make sense to them, or for which they can’t see a practical application.” This part was perhaps a bit more telling. I know that I take on too much. I know that I have too many things on my plate. But the description of having my own set of rules, my own way of deciding what’s important… well that actually made me think. And then I read the next part.
“The ISTJ is not naturally in tune with their own feelings and the feelings of others. They may have difficulty picking up on emotional needs immediately, as they are presented.”
Bingo.
This part kind of hit the nail on the head for me. If there was any doubt that I had been placed into the proper category — not that there really was –, it disappeared.
I had a conversation a long time ago with Professor Snark. I told her, point-blank, that I have a hard time being empathetic, though I think I phrased it more akin to, “I don’t have lots of feelings.”
I didn’t always know that this was true about myself, until I realized that not everyone uses logic to sympathize with others. That some people actually feel what others feel; the Country Boy is like that. I, on the other hand, have a hard time noticing when things are important to others if they’re not also things that are important to me. And I know that it’s something that’s hurtful, especially because I prefer when people don’t talk to me about the things that I find emotionally stressful, a characteristic of mine that my sisters are particularly attuned to. (It might be interesting to note, here, that Little Sister and my father both got placed into the same category as I did, which I find not at all surprising.)
But I digress. Even if I can logically recognize that someone else is in pain, I react the way I would like others to react to my own pain… by letting me vent, nodding, and promptly changing the subject. And then I freak out when I realize I reacted the wrong way. The Myers-Briggs has something to say about that too.
“Under stress, ISTJs may fall into catastrophe mode, where they see nothing but all of the possibilities of what could go wrong.” When I stumbled upon this — catastrophe mode — I was certain that the writers of the test had been spying on me, watching as I cried for no reason and tried to tell TCB that there was nothing wrong. Because often, in catastrophe mode, nothing is wrong. But everything feels wrong. I assume that it’s a difficult thing to comprehend for someone who’s never lived it, because it’s far from logical. If I didn’t know catastrophe mode intimately, I would not be able to fathom it.
But there’s more. And while up until this point, nothing I read was all that surprising, when I reached this point, I balked a bit. “Being perfectionists themselves, they have a tendency to take other people’s efforts for granted, like they take their own efforts for granted.”
I know that I have faults, though I don’t always recognize them. I’ve liked examining this test over the past few weeks, but I won’t make my categorization my excuse; I’m sure that my strong-willedness, my single-mindedness, my lack of empathy have hurt people in the past. I’m sure that my own distance from my emotions can’t be easy for those who are emotionally linked to me. And while I know that my family and close friends get it, for the most part, I also know that they must find themselves having to make excuses to deal with my bluntness, my brashness, the harsh way in which I judge the world and judge myself.
So to those to whom I don’t say it enough: I may not know how to show it particularly well, or even think of showing it all that often, but I know what a pain in the neck I am to deal with most of the time… and I appreciate your patience and continued tolerance of being around my sarcasm, wit that borders on coldness, and general lack of softness most of the time.
Does crawfish mac and cheese make up for it?
Crawfish Mac and Cheese
1 tsp. olive oil
1 Tbsp. butter
1/2 small onion, minced
1/4 green bell pepper, minced
1/4 stalk celery, minced
1 clove garlic, minced
2 Tbsp. flour
1 1/2 cups milk
1 pound crawfish tails
salt and pepper, to taste
Cayenne pepper, to taste
3.5 ounces cheddar cheese, freshly grated
2 ounces goat cheese
6 ounces whole wheat pasta
2 green onions, green portions chopped
Heat a pot of water to a rolling boil. Season with salt and add the pasta.
In a saucepan, heat the butter and oil over medium heat. Add the onion, pepper, celery and a pinch of salt. Cook, stirring occasionally, until translucent, about 5 minutes. Add the garlic and cook until fragrant, about 1 minute.
Strain the pasta when cooked and reserve to the side.
Add the flour to the pot with the vegetables and switch to a whisk. Whisk the flour until cooked, about 1-2 minutes. Slowly begin adding the milk, whisking to incorporate. Cook until it just comes to a boil, then remove from the heat and add the crawfish tails.
Season to taste with salt, pepper and Cayenne. Whisk in the cheeses until melted. Toss with the cooked pasta.
Topped with the chopped green onions and serve.